It is really weird, what a fight shows us about... things.
Anything, really. During fighting, and making up, we start noticing things.
Yesterday was a way to weird night for me to handle.
I wasn't even close to being drunk but still, it's like I forgot most of what happened.
I often forget things very quickly when they have been unpleasant for me. I forget when teachers tell me I did bad in class, I already forgot that I wrote exams because they went bad 8D I forgot most about my primary school time, usually the parts spend with my family. I could tell you exactly what my best friend at that time told me on some day back then, but not a thing my father has said to me during primary school at all, except for some, 4-5 minor happy memories.
So saying I forgot most of it basically means it sucked. Bad.
It was all just weird and messed up and ugh.
Yesterday, I was asked to smile.
And the question was repeated, with another connotation to it.
I was asked to smile an honest smile. He asked a couple of times if I remember correctly.
I wasn't particularly sad at that very moment, but tbqh it was the first time anyone asked me to smile. Like, really smile.
Also, I got to know a friend of my bestie's new bf, and according to her, he thinks I'm cute. I wish that would help me get over someone else but no, my heart is still constantly against everything. Well, anyways, weird enough for me, I decided to tell him something about me during all that fighting, about my parents divorce which had a huge impact on my personal mental developement and... well actually I expected some kind of reaction that showed understanding, but it didn't. whelp. think i'm cute or not, chances are I don't give a fuck.
I need to make a decision in the near future. I think I know what Imma do in the end.
I think I've gotten a different view on some things, all thanks to the funeral I went to last week. I wasn't mature enough to even think about that the last time, but this time was different. I don't think I can put it in words, really. If I did, you wouldn't understand it.
Just wait until you're sitting in the church with someone dead in front of you, sobbing and sniffing of the relatives all around. It changes things. It changed me, and I think it changes everyone. At least a bit. But I can't say if it's a positive or a negative change.
Earth to earth, Ashes to Ashes, Dust to dust.